How Mallya resurrected the UB group watching Rajnikanth movies

From a billionaire to a lakhpati, the last few years of Vijay Mallya’s life has made him incredibly despondent. Deep in debt and doubts, he was pondering on how to make a comeback in public life as the king of good times.

Having shifted loyalties from The Oberoi in Bangalore to the shop run by a Tamilian settled in Bangalore near the Koramangala bus stand, the music player in the shop blares with an incredibly motivating Tamil song. Listening to the song, the mood of the once-flamboyant ex-billionaire, changes. He wants to know what is the song that is so uplifting. That is when one of the patrons of the shop reads the newspaper headlines in typical kannadiga slang. ‘I don’t have money to pay your salary dues, Vijay Mallya tells Kingfisher staff”. This makes Vijay Mallya recoil in disgust.

Tears flow copiously which he tries hard to conceal. He leaves the tea shop without paying liquid cash of 8 rupees as he had pawned his 1994 Jaguar XJ220 for his daily cuppa tea. On the ride back to his home, he gets reminded of the kannadiga who becomes a famous actor in Tamil cinema and can perform stunts that even Chuck Norris would chuck away from. Rajnikanth that is! It was a Rajnikanth number at the tea shopm, he recollects.

He alights at the nearest DVD center and purchases yesteryear Tamil movies of Rajnikanth like Baasha, Annamalai and has a fight with the people at the shop as they do not accept his Sodexho coupons and ends up giving his trademark VJM diamond to them and says that he will come back for it in a Kollywood style beating his thighs with his hands.

He storms into his home and parks his once royal bum on the couch and inserts the DVD of Annamalai. This is a movie where betrayed by a friend and vowing to take revenge and be rich, Rajnikanth does a lot of odd jobs along with the help of his family members and becomes the big shot of his city. With trademark superstar dialogues and fight sequences, this was one of the biggest hits of Rajni.

Mallya goes to the DGCA (Directorate General of Civil Aviation) office and shouts at Arun Sharma, the Director General of DGCA-” Arun, intha naal, unnoda calendar la kurichhi vechukko. nee eppadi enna asingapaduthi ennoda flight, ennoda maanam, ennoda Kingfisher calendar girls ellathayum illamo panniyo, athey maathiri unnoda office ayum baaki irukkara ellla flightlayum naan vaangireyn paaru”.

*too-tudutoo-tuttoo-too-tudutoo-tuttoo-too-tudutoo-tuttoo* ARR music.

He storms out of the office while a personnel in the office dials the NIMHANS number. and he comes back in 3 minutes for a closure and to make a top-tukker effect on the bewildered officers.  ”naan, oru thaadavey sonna, nooru thaadava sonna maathiri”.

*ARR Music again.*

Mallya envisages pulling off a miracle like Rajni does in his movies by many people centred moves for his customers. He announces various offers for his Kingfisher liquor patrons. For every KF 5000 you purchase, you will get a sombu with water for free. People are queuing up the TASMAC and other liquor shops like crazy especially the rural areas where there are no toilets and people have to use the sombu for you know what.

Nailed it
Nailed it

This move is condemned by all other liquor distributors, but Mallya is undaunted. He travels to each and every outlet that serves liquor and the press happily clicks pictures and carries this story and this act of his goes viral on Facebook and other social media, especially on Twitter where the hastag #sombumallya has been trending on top for three weeks from the time this one-of-a-kind move started. The last time a hashtag trended for more than two weeks is when Lalu Prasad promised that he will phully ender indo politikks, the nation wept. Copiously at that.

There is so much rush for the KF brand that he will soon run out of stock. He also continues watching other Tamil movies. Along with watching Rajnikanth movies, he also scouts for other motivational pieces.

His enemies see this as an opportunity and sneak a few Vijaykanth movies into his DVD collections. Oblivious to the fact that it was a Vijaykanth  movie that he was about to watch, doctor Mallya presses play in his DVD remote. It takes a long time for him to figure out that Vijaykanth was the main actor in the movie since it has been ingrained in his good- times-mind that heroes look good.

The latest reports suggest that Vijay Mallya has been admitted in NIMHANS. Doctors do not know what swept him. Someone who swept the nation a few days ago with his ingenious schemes for his liquor patrons, as doctors put it-” is feeling suicidal and says he does not want to live anymore”. Mallya’s servant Ramu, an MBA graduate says that the liquor baron was seen shouting and howling at the TV screen saying-”This is all reel. Electricity. Narasimha. Oh Holy Branson. I am not ready for this.” and erupted into seizures.

Even in the hospital, he was found to be screaming in disgust and was looking terrified. It seems the plans of the rival companies has worked big time.

Latest update: Vijay Mallya has recovered very fast all thanks to the latest Rajnikanth movie he saw-”Enthiran” Robot! With the limited resources he had, he made a Chitti robot for himself and his KFA employees say that he has been a revelation since then. Has paid all his dues from selling every scrap he had, stopped using 1000 rupee note as toilet paper and has switched to a more humbler 10 rupee note and many other smart moves all effected by Mallya’s Chitti.

Life is cool and he is back as the king of good times!

King of good times
King of good times

My lady love :)

It has been a long since I have had a simple musical number associated with a female.

I wonder what it is to be romantic, to be able to be in love with the same person for years together no matter the external changes like a saggy body, fidgeting hands, soggy memory and a disease infested system!

How beautiful would it be to call someone our own?

How beautiful would it be to look at a woman and exclaim-”Wow, she is going to be the mother to my kids”. A few years down the line, I will call her mommy too, like the way my dad calls my mom mommy.

How friggin electric would it to be to look at a woman in the eye and feel that if there is a life for me, I would want to live it with her. To be able to sit near a woman and talk hours to no end and think-”Wait wait. I forgot to tell this to you.”

To be with a woman who does not necessarily conform to the accepted norms of coyness in the society, a woman who will be comfortable with MCs and BCs spitting out of her mouth at will.

Not a woman who would address me as “ji” or for that matter, the sacrosanct “cheyta”, in Malayalam.

Someone who will recommend books and chide me for not reading the classics like Little Women or Hamlet.

Someone who can beat the shit out of me in an argument.

Someone who can look me in the eye and say-”Dai, what wrong did you do today?” or maybe the toned down version where she asks-”So you went for a buffet today too?”.

Someone who knows that it is ok for men to cry too and would lend me her shoulders whenever I watch a movie or finish reading an emotionally moving book like a Tuesdays with Morrie.

Someone who loves to travel and would not mind last minute surprises that be either good or morbidly bad.

Someone who will not fret over the little uncomfortable situations that life throws at us.

I would want her to be excited about life. When she gets up first thing in the morning, she should look forward to the day and not say grudgingly that it is one more day in her calendar.

I remember this superb piece of dialogue from a Malayalam movie where a successful Mammooty comforts a disconsolate Mohanlal who has financial and emotional troubles. “If you get everything that you desired in your life, then what is the thrill behind living it.” And Mammooty delivers this awesome piece of advice in a way that only he can do.

I want her to be thrilled about loving and living together with me. And I want her to know that the feelings are mutual.

Someone who would could take the lyrics of this Beatles’ number to her heart- “Cause I don’t care too much for money, money can’t buy me love”.

Someone who is classy. Oh oh, classy is a must!

P.S. I am extremely hungry after thinking all of this. Will write a second part, if there is one ;)

GM diet Day 4 & Day 5 Experience

GM diet Day 4 Experience

The day 4 of the GM Diet was a lot different than the rest of the dull ones we encountered previously. I sound clichéd when I say that today is a beautiful day too. But yeah, it is.

This day was a lot better with almost 4 kms covered on the beach.

Downed a liter of water and the proverbial peeing that I have come to associate with GM diet started. For some goddamn moments, I wondered if I was suffering from urinary incontinence. I sincerely hope not! 

Today is probably one of the easiest days, or so, I thought!

GM Diet Day 4 plan —> Banana and Milk

Easy Peasy. Mom blended the above said items and I went a little late to the office as I ended up licking the glass vessel for an extra minutes as it was too good on the tongue.

Was able to easily survive on the juice till the afternoon. Came home and downed two glasses of that now, this time with two bananas and the milk. Remember that you are eating the bananas for the potassium.

You can also have dates, if you are not so much in love with bananas.

Had black tea (without sugar) in the evening. Remember that you can also have the soup today. Whenever you think energy has sapped, please make do with the soup.

Had a mushroom soup at 7.

Ended the day with the same wonderful milkshake.

Licking it to my delight and mumbling a yummm yummm for the time I had the glass in my hand.

Tomorrow comes the all important day, a day which will make a malayalee go boinkers! I was almost salivating thinking about it the entire day.

But there was a sad twist of fate in it. There was no beef at the place we normally buy and unfortunately, even at the places which are more a part of a contingency plan when buying meat.

GM Diet- Day 5 Experience

I was eagerly expecting for this day like a 28 year old Indian groom on his wedding night eagerly waiting for his first sexual experience. Equating the eagerness in this case and nothing else, you perv :D

Got up and went straight to, no, not the toilet, but to the meat house, the guy at the counter said he will get it only at 9. Whoa! that was too late for my liking. I am sure if I were 60 or something, I could have got a heartache, right there. Thankfully, god has kept those wonderful things to happen for another time. The guy could almost see the pain in my eyes and gave me a sympathetic look.

Fortunately, there was this quaint little shop on top of a complex that had meat and I had to wait an awful lot of time before I got hold of the meat. Rushed to the Pazhamudhir cholai to get some capsicum, ginger and tomato. Rushed home again to find a not-so-happy dad, for being late. He did the best he could.

But there is a tragedy again, this time, a really bad one. While opening the pressure cooker,  for a few noob-y moments, I forgot to take off the top of the pressure cooker ;) (whoa,  take off the top of a pressure cooker :D , naughty me!) which resulted in the cooker being opened the way it was never supposed to be with the boiled water falling on my hands :(

Incredible pain and I had to go to the office in another 15 mins. Gorged on the beef while wincing in pain. Had to hit the nearest pharmacy to keep things under control.

I can take a half a kg of the beef, which I believe I would have completed by the afternoon itself :D So much for detox :P

By the time it was evening, I was literally “fed up”. yes, too much of beef!

Had a soup in the evening and this time, a few pieces of beef. Did feel a little heavier than yesterday, though.

The 6th day of the GM Diet looked more normal than anything. I can eat vegetables, rice, beef! what ? say again! This is like the menu for most households in Kerala. Sigh. So the feel of the detox has gone and the lack of choices was actually bothering me. It is getting on my nerves, the ennui associated with eating a pre-set dishes.

Having decided to cut down on fat and continue with my HIIT sessions, I am not too bothered here. I should say that the only reason I probably continued with this GM Diet is because of the encouragement by the people in the Facebook group, Chennai Food Guide. I know I have been singing a lot of paeans about these people, but as Arun Lal says “unka jithna thaareef karey, uthna kam!”. Thank you so much all! I am very very humbled, thank you CFG!

P.S. Have not proof checked the content even once, so please pardon me :D If there is a mistake that you would like to point out, please do use the comments section or any place else you deem appropriate. Thank you.